Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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