so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
