Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
