Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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