I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
