when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize