She just used a chaser for red wine.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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