I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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