I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
