I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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