Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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