If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
