I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
