i permit you to call me
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I AM VODKA MAN
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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