life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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