Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
