There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize