Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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