Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
