I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize