We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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