did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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