I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize