Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
