I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize