i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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