I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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