I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
