I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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