I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
