She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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