I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
