I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
