My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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