I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
