I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
