Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
