Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
