How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
