Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
