I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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