I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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