My hand turned me down
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
