I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
