I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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