dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
