If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i drank out of a bidet.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
