Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
