I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
