Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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