My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Farmville is her only friend.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
