So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
