How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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