I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
