Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
