I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
