Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
