when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
